DEAR CHATGPT

 

“Advice column is an article in a newspaper or magazine that offers advice to people who write to ask for help with a problem.” – The Britannica Dictionary

Many of such advice columns have been syndicated and appeared in several newspapers. The prominent example is Dear Abby, an American advice column founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips, under the pen name Abigael Van Buren. According to Wikipedia, by 1987, over 1,200 newspapers ran Dear Abby, and in 2016, had a readership estimated at 110 million. The New York Times described it as “a staple in American households for decades.”

Interestingly, ChatGPT is a chatbot trained to interact, like human, in a conversational way. Not only will it answer anything one asks, but as well as, react to follow-up questions. What’s more, it will admit mistakes, challenge incorrect premises, and reject inappropriate requests.

Curiously, what if ChatGPT has its advice column today? How would its pieces of advice measure up to those of Dear Abby? Well, I waded through the internet and picked out 15 interesting assorted readers’ questions from Dear Abby archives that would take the lid off the flashes of wit, the sense of good taste, and the breadth of imagination from both vantage points – Abby and ChatGPT -- the latter with minor editing for brevity.

READER 1: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?

ABBY: Yes, and also hazardous.

CHATGPT: Yes, and also possible to end up in the dog house with both of them.

READER 2: I’ve been going with this girl for a year. How can I get her to say yes?

ABBY: What’s the question?

CHATGPT: Show up in a banana costume and ask her to be your “peel in crime.”

READER 3: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?

ABBY: I don’t know. What’s he getting?

CHATGPT: Put a little chicken hat on him and asking him if he’s ready to be a “chicken in love.”

READER 4: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

ABBY: Night and Day.

CHATGPT: A wife is like a lighthouse; a mistress, a pirate ship, never dull adventures, but dangerous.

READER 5: I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now, how do I get out?

ABBY: Simple. Go to your superior officer and say these words: I’m Gay.

CHATGPT: Try enlisting the help of a dolphin with its excellent navigation skills.

READER 6: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Have you any suggestions?

ABBY: Yes. Run for a public office.

CHATGPT: Try time travel and see your ancestors in action. Just be careful not to mess up the future.

READER 7: I know boys will be boys, but my “boy” is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestion?

ABBY: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

CHATGPT: Let him take up ballroom dancing – to raise his stock or become a laughing stock.

READER 8: I am 44 years old and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

ABBY: So would I.

CHATGPT: It’s like finding a unicorn in the wild.

READER 9: I’m 19 years old and not very experienced, but my mother told me to be careful of men with mustaches. Is there any truth to this?

ABBY: Yes, and also be careful of men without them.

CHATGPT: If it makes your mother feel better, tip him off to grow a mustache made of cotton candy – it’s sweet and harmless.

READER 10: Why does our society insist on using the euphemism “sleeping together” in place of “having sex”?

ABBY: That’s so the children won’t know where they came from.

CHATGPT: It’s finding the right words – whether it’s galloping to glory or just taking a nap.

READER 11: I don’t want to appear conceited but I’m forced to admit that I am one guy who has everything. Women always flocking around me and telling me how good-looking I am and what a marvelous personality I have. I’m beginning to find this pretty annoying and extremely tiring. I just want to live a normal quiet life. How can I dissuade these hopeful females?

ABBY: Keep talking.

CHATGPT: Carry a picture of your mother and show it to them.

READER 12: I am in love with two boys and don’t know which one to marry. First there’s Andy. He’s sort of blond and sells insurance. Mama likes him, which helps a lot. He’s very reliable and seems anxious to get married.

Then there’s Tony. He’s dark and sort of gives me the creeps. (But they’re awfully nice creeps, if you know what I mean.)

I don’t know which one I like best. In the daytime I like Andy, but I believe I like Tony better at night. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me?

ABBY: Don’t marry either one, if it’s a toss-up. Date others and make comparisons. When “The One” comes along, you’ll flip your lid – not a coin.

CHATGPT: Flip a coin, and let fate decide.

READER 13: My husband has always been very close to his mother and she has never cared much for me.  I asked my husband if I was drowning and his mother was drowning which one would he save? He said “My mother” because I owe her more. I am so terribly hurt, Abby. What shall I do?

ABBY: Learn to swim.

CHATGPT: Learn to swim, just in case.

READER 14: I am 10 years old and my Daddy said that when I saved enough money, I could buy anything I wanted with it.

All my life, I have wanted a monkey. I have saved $14. I asked Daddy if I could buy a pet monkey and he said no, because I wouldn’t know how to take care of it. My mom is the fussy type. You know, everything has to be just so. Do you know anyone who has a pet monkey and can give me some advice?

ABBY: I have had two pet monkeys (David and Bathsheba) and, although I love my monkeys, your father is right. To quote my son (he was 4 at that time), “Monkeys should live with monkeys, and people should live with people.”

CHATGPT: A monkey wrench might be more useful.

Last but not least, seriously, this time.

READER 15: I am 21 and confused. My boyfriend, “Ethan,” and I broke up five months ago, but we recently got back together. The problem is, he hides the fact that we’re together. I’m not allowed to put anything on Facebook or even comment or “like” anything on his page. He hardly even talks to me or comes to see me, and when we do talk or see each other, we end up in a fight. We used to be great together, but things are no longer the way we were.

Ethan insists he’s not cheating on me, but it’s hard to believe him, because when we got back together he had been talking to a girl who lives a few miles away from him. I don’t want to end our relationship. Ethan says he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me, but I don’t know what to think anymore.

ABBY: Yes. Wake up, honey. The relationship you cherished with Ethan is over. A man who is in love with a woman sees and talks with her often, and doesn’t hide her from the world or get into a fight with her every time he sees her. That he would forbid you to mention that you are back together on Facebook and refuse to permit you to comment on his posts is a huge red flag.

You asked my advice, and here it is: Take a giant step backward and see Ethan for who he is – a person who doesn’t tell the truth and is very likely a cheater. If he was sincere, he’d be telling the world the happy news about your reunion.

CHATGPT: A healthy relationship is built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. It’s concerning that your boyfriend is hiding your relationship and causing conflicts. You deserve to be with someone who values you and treats you with honesty and kindness. Have an honest conversation with him and set clear boundaries. Remember, it’s okay to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t fulfill your needs and make you happy.

'Tis not too shabby. ChatGPT, that's cool.

Head still collage photos courtesy of freepikdotcom