To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
These words solemnly exchanged at the altar, bind two souls in a covenant of love and commitment. But what if “worse” becomes an unbearable reality? What if the once-rosy path of matrimony twists into a thorny maze of pain and disillusionment? Today, our nation grapples with this very question – the heated debate over legalizing divorce.
Like Damocles’ sword suspended above every marriage – legalized divorce is a threat, when wielded, that could sever the sacred bond. Such a sword casts shadows over both blissful and troubled unions.
The Threat of Divorce in Good Marriages
In the heat of an argument, words become weapons. We’ve all been there – the adrenaline surges, voices rise, and out of the blue, the ultimate weapon is unleashed.
As for me, after more than four decades of marriage, amid the boiling war of words, here’s the ultimate weapon I’ve unleashed so far: “Maybe we need a breather – I’ll go home to the province to take a LONG break.” (emphasis in word “long”) Right there and then, a deafening silence came next. With a legalized divorce in hand then, I could only imagine the worst scenario that might have happened - had I used a much more lethal weapon: “Maybe we get a divorce!”
Making such a divorce threat out loud, according to marriage counselor Dr. Marni Feuerman, is something that can’t be easily undone, causing an impact far more negative than just having the passing thought of separation. In her online article Why Threatening Divorce During An Argument Will Harm Your Marriage, she spells out three consequential effects of divorce threat:
Creating insecurity in marriage. Threatening to leave makes marriage less secure. It changes the dynamic of arguments, opening the door to a future apart. The other one may start thinking about divorce as well.
Making communication more difficult. Once one has made the ultimate divorce threat, it will make it much harder to address the underlying issue. The other may become less likely to talk about problems or more likely to hide them. The threat of divorce creates a fear of abandonment that can be tough to shake.
Making the conflict worse. Instead of resolving the problem, divorce threats tend to simply draw out the conflict. Compounding frustration and hurt with distrust and insecurity will only amplify the problem.
Weapon of Marriage Destruction
The divorce threat is traumatic according to Paul DePompo, PsyD, explaining that it brings marriage from one that promises “till death” to now saying, “Well maybe not so much.” He stresses that divorce threats can bring out a “protective” rather than a “problem-solving” mode.
Relationship coach Chris Armstrong explains, “When you use the D-word [Divorce] in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.” He warns that when one utters a divorce threat, it can get the other angry enough to even “call the bluff.”
“A universal trigger for anger is the sense of being endangered. Endangerment can be signaled not just by an outright physical threat but also, as is more often the case, by a symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity,” asserts psychologist Dolf Zillmann as cited in Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence book. What could be more threatening to the self-esteem or dignity of a partner in a marriage than the threat of such a dreaded D-word: divorce?
Across our societal landscape, the D-word lands like a meteor, leaving emotional craters. Trust fractures. Couples grapple with fear – fear of losing the secure harbor they’ve built together. It’s not just a word; it’s an existential tremor. The very foundation quivers. To a great extent, divorce becomes the ultimate WMD – a weapon of marriage destruction.
Balancing Alternatives: Annulment and Legal Separation
Legalizing divorce isn’t the only option. Dealing particularly with an abusive and cruel spouse, the Family Code provides for the legal separation of married couples. There is annulment of voidable marriages, as well as salutary provisions in the Act defining Violence against Women and their Children.
Annulment is like a delicate scalpel -- dissecting without obliterating. Legal separation allows couples to live apart, yet the marriage endures. It’s a trial separation – a chance to breathe without severing the lifeline.
Sometimes, the cure (divorce) is worse than the disease (unresolved conflicts). Annulment and legal separation strike a balance – acknowledging irreparable bonds while avoiding the shockwaves of divorce.
Socio-Cultural and Religious Considerations
Our country wears its cultural and religious robes proudly. Divorce would disrupt this fabric. Pinoys honor tradition. Marriage isn’t just a contract; it’s a communal celebration. Divorce would ripple through whispered prayers. The Church’s stance is unwavering. Divorce clashes with the sanctity of the sacrament. Imagine a seismic shift – the ground quaking, foundations cracking. Legalizing divorce would unleash chaos. The D-word echoes in dimly lit chapels – challenging centuries-old beliefs.
A City of Two Tales
On a day unlike any other, when the heavens and the abyss took a pause, an angel and a demon, wearied from their eternal tasks, embarked on a curious game. They descended upon the earth to witness the tempests within the hearts of married couples, embroiled in their squabbles. It was amidst this earthly theatre that the celestial voyeurs encountered Juan and Maria in a cozy living room. Juan was sitting on the sofa, looking frustrated, while Maria stood by the window, arms crossed.
Juan: (sighs) Maria, we go through this every single day. It’s always the same issue over and over again!
Maria: (raising her voice) Because you never listen, Juan! You think you’re the only one who’s tired?
The angel and demon watch from a corner, invisible to the human eye, a playful smirk on the demon’s face.
Demon: (whispering). Oh, this is going to be good.
Angel: (concerned) Come on, humans. Find your love, not your anger.
Juan: (interrupting) You know what, Maria? Maybe we just get a divorce!
The demon pumps a fist in the air silently, scoring a point.
Demon: (gleefully) That’s one for me!
Angel: (disappointed) Oh no.
With the score settled between the forces of light and shadow, the angel and the demon drifted onwards, their attention captured by another domestic tableau. In the warmth of a humble kitchen, they observed Pedro and Petra, whose voices rose and fell in the passionate dance of matrimony.
Petra: (frustrated) Pedro, I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary again!
Pedro: (defensive) I’ve been swamped at work, Petra. It’s not like I did it on purpose.
The angel and demon lean in, watching intently.
Angel (hopeful) Don’t forget your vows, guys. Remember your love.
Demon: (eagerly) Come on, people, say the magic words.
Petra: Pedro… (taking a deep breath), maybe… we should seek and listen to the wisdom of our parents.
The angel beams, a point scored for the side of light.
Angel: (joyfully) Yes! That’s the spirit!
Demon: (grumbling) Well played, Angel. Well played.
Petra reaches out to take Pedro’s hand, both smiling faintly as they find common ground.
In the quiet aftermath, the angel and the demon exchanged a glance, a silent accord between adversaries. They recognized the enduring saga of marriage, its trials, and triumphs, a testament to the complexity of love and marriage. And then, they gradually vanished, resuming their watch from the realms beyond.
Content put together in collaboration with Microsoft Bing AI-powered Co-pilot
Head collage photos courtesy of Freepik & Unsplash
Video clips courtesy of YouTube
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